Tales of The Tapes: The Story Behind M.P.A.
Men Are Like Rubber Bands
“When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.”
I never quite understood why I had always felt this immense need to disappear once I became too close or intimate with a woman. It was something that was automatic and once the feeling came over me there was nothing I could do to fight it. I needed to pull away.
At the time I thought there had to be something wrong with me. How could I want to be away from a person whom I felt such strong feelings for? Was it all a big lie? Was I a fraud? Had I selfishly mislead her? Was I out just to conquer this woman only to leave her once she had fully given herself over to me? Was I a monster?
Mix these thoughts and questions in with the oncoming pressure of a woman who is just as confused as you are. In her mind, just yesterday everything was fine and it was. Now in her confusion she begins to ask herself questions. Was it something I did/didn’t do? Was it something I said/didn’t say? Was this all just a big game? Am I not good enough for him?
Unfortunately this scenario is way too common between two young lovers that are ignorant to the differences between a man and a woman. Had I known that this need to pull away was something not only normal but healthy for the both of us a lot of pain and confusion would have been avoided. But then again I would not have created this song that has spoken to similar lost lovers out there. As they say, God works in mysterious ways.
“A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy”
Because I myself thought there was something wrong with having to pull away I began avidly avoiding this beautiful girl who was just as confused and in need for answers as I was. However, two people drowning in a pool of ignorance and confusion towards the real reasons behind their feelings and actions serve as no help to each other.
I was avoiding her because I was embarrassed thus my need for an apology, a public one at that. I was also avoiding her because I began to believe her.
“Were all these feelings, all these things you said a big lie?” Maybe they were I thought.
Once this happens you begin to find excuses. Maybe I just need to focus on my career. Maybe she wasn’t the one. Maybe what I felt was something I imagined in my own mind and was never actually there.
It took a book that is rather cliche at this point to finally show me the truth. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray, Ph.D. had the answer I was always looking for.
Why Men Pull Away When Women Get Close
For many women, a man tends to pull away precisely at the time when she wants to talk and be intimate. This occurs for two reasons:
1. A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely at those times she will attempt to reestablish their intimate connection and say “Let’s talk.” As he continues to pull away, she mistakenly concludes that he doesn’t want to talk or that he doesn’t care for her.
2. When a woman opens up and shares deeper and more intimate feelings it may actually trigger a man’s need to pull away. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm bells go off, saying it is time to find balance by pulling away. At the most intimate moments a man may suddenly automatically switch to feeling his need for autonomy and pull away.
It is very confusing for a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does often triggers his departure. Generally when a woman starts to talk about things with feeling a man starts to feel this urge to pull away. This is because feelings draw men closer and create intimacy, and when a man gets too close he automatically pulls away.
It is not that he doesn’t want to hear her feelings. At another time in his intimacy cycle, when he is needing to get close, the same feelings that could have triggered his departure will draw him closer. It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it.
Delgis Mustafa [The ILLZ]